Everything is there, I just felt like changing the blogs URL. :) Enjoy.

I’ve never been one for regret. Until today. Now I’m just regretting so much. Why can’t life be simple? My stomach hurts, my head hurts, my heart hurts.
I just can’t win can I? I’m just not enough. For anyone.
I’m not a good enough girlfriend for A, I wasn’t for C. I’m just in such a depressed mood right now.
I couldn’t take it. I had to leave. He was with her. Acting the way we used to. It hurt to see. Fuck it hurt so much. It hurt more than if A dumped me. I still love C. LOVE HIM. More than as my best friend. Or maybe I’m just in shock from seeing him with someone else for the first time. But it was my friend. I told them it was okay. Did they really think it was? But I guess that’s logical. They want to believe it’s okay because they like each other and I couldn’t possibly care because I have a boyfriend. Yes I love A, but I don’t think I do as I did C. It’s only been 3 months… maybe this is just all going so fast. Maybe I should just hide myself away in a little cloak of homework, friends and being single. I don’t know. A wouldn’t understand. He’d be mad, hurt. It scares me to think of what he might so if he read this. I promise him too much. I can’t deliver. I’m not as all in as he is. He would do ANYTHING for me. I can’t promise him the same thing. I’m a terribly selfish person. Maybe I shouldn’t be with anyone. I don’t think now is a good time for me to be in a relationship. My emotions are screwed up and I’m on the verge of tears and A can’t say anything that makes me genuinely smile at this point but I know C could and that’s just not fair. Why?

This bloody sucks. Why can’t I just be happy with A? Why can’t I be happy to see C and E? Why can’t I just… not regret. I’ve never before. Maybe I’m just not good enough. Not perfect. Sub-par. I feel worthless.
No one wants to fight for me. Or maybe the person I want to fight for me has given up…

Today I said goodbye to my best friend. It was painful, but being the person he is he understood. I miss him. But I am going to act normal. Carry on. I did this for A, for our relationship.

I wish A could have just accepted it. But it was too much to ask. No one really understood. Best friends with your ex? No, impossible. It wasn’t. But now it’s gone. So whatever. We carry on. I feel a little… I don’t know. It was harder than breaking up with him. Maybe he doesn’t feel the same way but he meant SO MUCH to me.

Feb.07.2010

Today I awoke to A :) he slept over :) Then he left around… noon.
It was cool. I don’t know… I’m still a little depressed about yesterday. The thing is I can’t stop thinking about it. I even found a way to sort of talk to him. Over MSN status’s. You know the part at the top of the screen that says “Share a quick message” ? Yeah we communicated through that. Sad… I miss him. But it’s what had to be done. I have to be a good girlfriend.
Ergh… I feel like I ate my weight in food the past couple days… I need to join a gym…

xo

Yes, I’m promoting my friends youtube account.
So shoot me :P :D
Anyways.

Also while your there:

http://www.youtube.com/ShaneDawsonTV

Shane Dawson. He’s really funny and makes great videos so check him out.

Check them both out. Peace

Saw Post-Grad today :D It was a pretty good movie. :) I’ve decided to post what I wore today. Why?

Because

a) I thought I looked HOT!

b) I want to and I’m bored… maybe that should have been b) and c).

Whatev. Yes. I say whatev. Sometimes. Occasionally.

I’m bored. :P

So yeah… what I wore today:

An aqua V-Neck T-Shirt from Suzy Shier

A black Terry Fold Over 2 Pocket Pleated Skirt

A purple hand-band with a bow from Ardenes.

Estimated Cost of Outfit: $30-35

:)

Anyways. In other news.

Tomorrow I leave for VACATION!! well sorta. Staying within the province. :P

But we’re going to a resort on the beach :D

xoxo

So I haven’t posted in a long while! 

But I feel like I want to start again :P :)

So pretty much life is good :) C and I are still together. Still in love, going really strong :)

We decided when we’re done high school we’re gonna move to California for a year (aka take a year off Uni) and just work and live together. :) Be young and in love. :)

So yeah things are going really great, as you can tell. We’ve been talking about the future a lot more lately… naming a baby girl Alexis. NO I am not preggo. Alexis is our future baby girl :P.

Anyways I’m bored so…

THE COST OF LIVING IN CALIFORNIA:

2 people. both 18. both making say… $10/hr full time (40hrs) ( 22,400/year x 2 = 44,800/year) w/ $2000 saved up.

Apartment: $600 – $750  (depends on where in California)

Groceries: $150

Furnishings-

Mattress: $2000 w/ box spring $300-400 w/o

Pillows/Blankets: BYOP/B

Lamp: $40 x 2

Couch: Ship or $350

Coffee Table: $50-65

Dresser: $300

Cookware Set: $100-200

Dishes: $20-30

Book/CD Shelf: $200

Misc Kitchenware: $100

Misc: $100-200

Total: about $3000.

and I think I forgot somethings… :P

Oh well. We’ll survive.

<3

So someone commented say that i’m only 16 and i should live my life. I agree I should be living my life (btw, thank you for your comment). But the problem is I can’t break up with C (my boyfriend) because I love him and can’t hurt him and what if breaking up with him is  a HUGE mistake?

OH! and the situation worsens…

C knows. B thinks I should’ve flat out denied it when C asked.

Pretty much he said “You like A”.  At first I was like “Ha ha ha.. NO!” and then He was said “Don’t lie.” and I felt really bad and realized maybe its better to get this in the open… maybe its not but I think I have to tell him. And I’m freaking out by this point but I say “It’s a tiny little crush and I love you and want to be with you so it doesn’t matter” and then it got ugly. I’m not gonna give you the entire conversation but he pretty much said figure out what you want and he’s REALLY hurt and betrayed that I have a small crush on his bestfriend since he was little. *feels horrible*. and it is really bad cuz we’re never gonna be able to talk the same way again and I’ve sorta messed up their friendship. (A doesn’t know about any of this)…

So we’re still together. It’s a little awkward right now and he’s gonna be mad at me until I no longer like A and I told him I’ll just make it go away but you can’t just banish your feelings and emotions like that. And it’s hard as I realized yesterday.

Since I’m helping A with this E thing he always wants to know whats happening and my input but always when no one else is around. I skipped half of english and the end half of english media to hang out and talk to A. BAD!!

Then afterschool we (meaning all my friends) we’re just hanging out, about to organize a game of soccer and A, E,G (also a girl) and I were “horsing around” and like A was trying to trip us and we were wrestling him and stuff when E’s old ex-boyfriend who still loves her but they’re just friends now F, comes over. And A and I are like wrestling and stuff just playing around and F’s like “boob punch her!” and A’s like “NO!” and I’m obviously like “NO!!!” Then a little while later F’s like to A “Why are you touching her and play fighting and stuff… she has a boyfriend!” at this point A practically snaps away from me like he was pulled by a super strong magnet and faces F and is like “You’re the one who told me to punch her in the boob!” F’s like “Yeah So? I’m not the one touching her! She has a boyfriend!” and A’s like “I’d never punch her in the boob!” And then people played soccer.

Anyways. Trying to give C some space and trying to make some space between A and I.

So, gotta go volunteer with B. :)

ttyl.

Okay so as every one knows I have a boyfriend of almost two years and I love him very very much! And he loves me. :)

Now enter in his best friend… A. A likes my friend E. Whos a major flirt and a little desperate for a boyfriend. I’m not trying to be mean I love her and I think shes a great person but can be a little harsh and mean to boys even though she doesn’t exactly mean to be.

Well A asked me if E would go out with him and now that’s a whole big thing. E said she would go out with him and give him a chance. He has yet to ask her out. While helping E see the good things about A and helping A get E to go out with him I have done THE stupidest thing EVER!…

Possibly fallen for A.

OH SHIT!!!

It’s not that I don’t love C(boyfriend) because I really truly do but I don’t know where this is coming from. I’m so confused. I even went online to find some advice.

People are mean. They pretty much asked me why I liked A I have a boyfriend and truth is I don’t know!!!!!! I’m sooo confused!!

I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND!! i really truly honestly forever love love him!!

So then why do I have feelings for A? Who I’d like to mention is my friend as well and I see him more than C. Because A and I go to the same school as C.

I’ll explain more in the morning. Its late and I want to finish my outline for sociology project so I can talk to C before bed.

Thats a good sign right? :)

ps HELP!!!!!!!

God I’ve got sooo much work to do. I really shouldn’t be posting anything. I’ve got an essay to write on the question: What are the most signifigant lessons our world today can learn from the rise/fall of the group of people you are studying?  in my case that group of people would be the Sumerians. sheesh. I have NO idea what to make my thesis. At all. I’m so tired of this project. Ergh. It’s worth a lot in History, a bit in English and even less in Science yet its still a fair amount and over three subjects. Grr.

Also I’ve got to think up a really specific social issue to do my final culminating project for ASP (anthro, pysch and soc) on. (the project is for sociology). As well as making a bibliography for the integrated Sumer project. And what else? English Media culminating project research too. OH! shit! I have to study for my science test and do my science lab report!! fuck. I’m screwed. Notice how my writing and composedness has broken apart as I type? *laughs*. I’m tired.

Had my first job interview on Friday. Gonna work at Leons. Fun. I guess it’ll do for my first job. I really want the job and for my first interview I thought I did really quite well. :)

Hm… Oh yeah! Athletic Banquet coming up. Already got my ticket. Yay free for athletes. I don’t know if being on the Tennis Team counts as being an athlete but still I get in free so yay! The venue looks really nice. All I need now is to find a dress and shoes. Black and white themed. Goody. Not too pleased about that. Though I did try on the sluttiest black dress in the world today. It was tight as all hell but stretchy fabric so I could breathe, strapless and barely covered my ass. Surprisingly it looked GOOD! on me. Made my legs look nice and long. :P

Anyways. Long post.

ps YAY! I turned 16 and got lots of presents when I invited A LOT of people to my party (couldn’t narrow down the list). :)

www.livenation.com <— to buy The Killers tickets

WATCH IT!!!

OMG! She’s amazing! She totally made my day! Her voice is amazing! I can’t believe it! Wow!!! The judges mouths just drrroppped open!!!  There was silence while everyone took it in and then… cheering! apluading! because she is an angelic singer!!! and 47!

What I Orginally Thought of Susan Boyle:

uh… okay… pooor lady… she’s gonna get turned down and laughed at sooo bad!!

What I NOW Think of Susan Boyle:

I was soo wrong! I have been humbled! Susan Boyle! Your voice is amazing! Wonderful and enchanting really! :) :)

…

What I Can See Her Becoming:

(if made a professional singer by Britains Got Talent, cuz shes already a celebrity!)

A noble Queen-like singer very dignified OR a lovable older grandmother-type women.

Either way she has an amazing unreal voice!!! :)

It makes me really happy and excited to learn that she doesn’t hate or dislike him because it’d be nice to be able to bring him home or hang out with him at my house or just to have him not scared of my mum or my house! It sucked that he did because I love my mum and I love him and it sucks that two of the people i love most in this world couldn’t get along you know? I didn’t want my mother to hate the guy I was head-over-heels in love with and I didn’t want the guy i’m in love with to be afraid of my mother! I’m not afraid of his and can talk to his and hang out at his houses but he can’t with mine! :( Well I’m changing that now that I know mum doesn’t dislike him (she just doesn’t like him yet because she doesn’t know him). :)

In other news…

So January 25th 2009 was my special day (the day my mum first met me <3) and the day before I went to the mall with L, B and C. And she gave me $50 to buy this yellow hoodie. So I bought the yellow hoodie, a pikachu shirt that has pikachu on the front and back and an old navy shirt that looks really good on me. :) I also wanted these black skinny jeans but they were $40 and I couldn’t afford them. :(

Anyways. I think I may be straining my friendship with E,L and B a bit by always having C tag along. But I can’t help it! I love him so much and even though we’ve been together for 1 year and 7 months we can’t get over the wanting to see each other constantly and being completely in honeymoon stage and missing each other all the time.! :P We don’t get much time together so we grab whatever we can get. :)

So, for now. I’ll cya later.

:)

why’d he have to be in a bad mood?

i love him so much.

but somehow it just didn’t get through

god, why did he give me the silent treatment?

that hurt.

it really hurt.

he doesn’t realize how a couple simple words (or lack of some)

can break me down.

it’s the price i pay for loving him.

end

Just thought I’d let someone know since boyfriend’s a little grumpy/mad at me bout it.

luv ya,
Emilie