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Okay. I have to vent about this. C is amazing. But at the same time really frustrating. He annoys me or makes me wonder if he really loves me and whats going through his mind and I wonder “why the hell am I still here?” and then he turns to look at me and I’m gone. I can’t beat those eyes. That face. His touch. My logic can’t break that barrier.I hopeless, almost powerless to him. I hate this feeling. I don’t like it. I like bing able to control what I think and do. But with him I can’t. Technically I can but I don’t want to I just want to surrender to him and let him take care of me. But I can’t do that because I’ve never been one of those types of people. Yet at the same time sometimes I feel like I’m his freakin’ babysitter! I have to stop him from hitting his head or wandering in the wrong direction. I don’t want to be his babysitter. I want to be his girlfriend. I love him so much but I’m really starting to wonder if I need to call this off for a little while and give him some room to grow up. I don’t know what to do. Help?!
Love Moi
That is how I feel. Contained. Like I can’t go anywhere or do anything. I’m trapped and I can’t find a way out. I think it’s more than boredom. I don’t know. It’s complicated. I feel like I’m ready to do what I want without having to run everything by my mother. But maybe I’m not. I understand that 14 is young, too young for some things and maybe too young for others. I know I’m still considered a child to some people but I don’t feel like a child. I feel like I should be older by now but I’m not. I’m stuck. C said the other day how he felt his life was stuck in neutral. I feel like that now. Like nothing is going anywhere. It’s all frozen and I’m just going through and repeating life over and over. Nothing is changing or shifting or growing. Nothing. I’m just stuck. Like there’s a time in my life and I’m over it, but I can’t get out. I need to do something and be somewhere that’s not here. I need air. I can’t explain it. I might have earlier when I was going, like, insane but I took a shower to clear my head and now I’m thinking clear. But I can only explain it when I’m not thinking clear. I want to break the rules but not all of them because if you break them all at once you have none left to break later… I need to break rules, but I don’t want to get caught. But there is always consequences. I think too much, I should just do something and think about it later. That way I don’t over think it. I need to do something without thinking otherwise I’ll think myself out of it. I just don’t want to hurt people. I don’t want to hurt my mum or sister or friends. I just need to do this. It makes me wonder if I should just wait till I’m older. Just wait. Hold on. Get a scholarship and then leave here. I don’t want to runaway and get killed or end up homeless but I need a change. I think I should just wait until I’m older and I can survive and live anywhere in the world I want. Come and go as I please. I can dream. I want to dream. Dream about something different and less contained then my life. Everything is so stalled and neutral. I think I need to think more but that’s the problem. I don’t think and I get nothing done, but if I do think I think myself out of it.
I need to think. I’ll be okay. Moi.
*Listening to “Different Day – State of Shock”
Do you ever wish you could make someone happier? or feel better but you just can’t? Well I feel that way right now. C’s sad because his grandfather had a stroke and because he thinks everything in his life is going wrong and just because. I want to make him feel better. I don’t want him to be sad but he is and I can’t do anything about it. :( It makes me sad and I just want him to feel better and be happy. But I feel like I can’t make him happy because I’m not allowed, because of my mother and because I’m at my house and he’s at his and I’m pretty much not allowed out of my house past like 7 o’clock without mums okay. I don’t know what to do. Now I feel really sad. I need to go running. Running makes me feel better. I feel really contained right now, like I need to break free and just break some rules and live. I’m kinda feeling strange right now.
Bye, Moi
Today I had my official Valentines with C. It was really nice. We went to the mall and watched Cloverfield. But what I really liked is that he brought me 3 roses for Valentines. Three red roses. It was so nice. I love him so much. He also brought me cinnamon hearts and a chocolate “I <3 U” . It was so sweet. I felt so special and loved. I loove him so much. It’s been the best Valentines Day ever. Ever. No comparison.<3
So about the rest of today. It was fun to hang out with C after we’ve been on sort of a hiatus since my mum grounded me. It’s kinda funny, on the subway back I was reading this newspaper and C and I started playing “are you scared yet?” and I didn’t really realize we were playing. He started by my knee, he asked “are you scared yet?” I said no. He went further up and I said no, so on and so forth. Once he got relativly close and asked “are you scared yet?” I said no, because I wasn’t really paying attention. He raised his evebrows at me and I just said yes, though I didn’t actually mean it. I don’t think. I don’t know. I wasn’t paying much attention. Lol. At the mall we saw Cloverfield. After I saw it, I felt dizzy, because it’s filmed on a videocamera. But I really liked the movie. C and I agreed that they should have explained what happened to New York better. It was so cut off. But it was a good movie and I had fun seeing it with C, though some parts kinda freaked me out, doing anything with C makes me happy! :)
Happy Valentines, Love, Moi!
Ahh so today was Valentines Day. The day of love and hearts and kisses and hugs. I love Valentines Day. I even loved it when I was younger, even when I didn’t have a boyfriend. It seems like everyone is nicer and more lovey. Because you can always hope for a Valentine even if you don’t have one. For C and I we decided that Valentines is tomorrow because then we can see each other properly! <3. I can’t wait. He said he has a surprise for me. I’m soo excited. I really love him. So much.
As for today Valentines at school. Some other grade nines made Valentines and put them up around the second floor. I found my name, it was on a square of paper with a kiss mark and my name! Ar gave me a flower that he found then he quickly told me to give it to anyone else. Ar is nicer on Valentines. I even gave him a Valentines hug because it’s Valentines. I think my Valentines spirit may be better that my Christmas one. Then BPA stole my flower. Sad. :(
I had cinnamon hearts and shared them with everyone.
Once I got home I went over to my friend Kd’s house. It was soo much fun. We had the apartment to our selves and pretty much we ordered pizza turned up the music and had fun. After a while we got bored so we invited some other kids in from the floor to come join us. So then there was us, a guy named Will, a guy named Andrew, and another girl named April.
Will and April were 14 and Andrew was 15. It was fun. We were going to invite some other people Kd knew in the building but I had to leave soon. It was sooo fun! We played truth or dare, orange, spin the bottle (hugs for people with bfs/gfs) and a couple other games. ;) lol. We turned off all the lights and played hide and seek. Then my mum came and picked me up. I have all their e-mails but since they live on Kd’s floor I have a feeling that we’re going to hang out again.
I should probably mention that Kd is one of my best childhood friends. She moved to Los Angeles (L.A.!) with her father after her parents split up when she was 11 and we stopped hanging out. But then her dad moved back to Toronto and now she lives with him, but he’s always away on business and she has the apartment to herself. We used to hang out all the time and we’re starting to again.
Cannot wait till tomorrow, will keep you updated! Love Love Love Happy Valentines! Moi!
Yesterday was February 12 2008. Why was this date so special? See earlier post “TOTAL LOOVE!”. Yes my semi-formal Valentines Dance. Why do I hate the snow? Take a wild guess. The snow was the reason my mother wouldn’t let me go. She said there was too much snow for her to saftley drive B and I to the dance. L decided not to go either because from what we’d heard not many people actually ended up going. It was horrible. I was devastated. Last night was supposed to be fun and carefree and a chance to dance all the stupidness, confusion and problems of being a teenager. Because that’s what I view dancing as. A way for me not to go insane. What was worse is that I was in a silent rage. Which is really bad because I could explode at any second.
Furthermore, quite a few grade nines went and they had an awesome time. Screw them. I’m soo upset though. I really wanted to go to this dance. I know I must sound like an imature teenage girl but hello! I am one. I care about things like dances and stuff. I got over it. Kinda.
IN OTHER NEWS: KURT COBAIN
Yes, Kurt Cobain. When I first heard about him I thought “what an idiot” but i didn’t know anything about him. Slowly he became a more appealing person to research. I know I’m a dork. I research but solely for entertainment and knowing purposes, not for school. Anyways I’ve come to the conclusion that Kurt Cobain was a really cool guy and I really wish he were still alive. But I also realized, that if Kurt Cobain hadn’t commited suicide on April 5, 1994 he’d be dead by now. He’d be 41. I also realized Kurt Cobain really reminds me of C. Not in the life style, who he was sort of way but in a slight personality and looks sort of way. There’s just something about Kurt Cobain that reminds me of C. They look sort of a like too. Odd. I also want to go to his memorial on April 5, 2008 but I doubt I’ll be able to. It’s in his hometown at a park where there’s a sort of “memorial bench”. Kurt Cobain, you are a hero. I don’t know how, but you are.
VALENTINES
Yes, I’m aware it’s tomorrow and I still havn’t gotten C anything. But this section of my post today is about the first 10 most valentines songs I have on my iPod** and the first 10 most un-valentines songs I have on my iPod**. This is according to me. You don’t have to agree.
First 10 most Valentines Songs*:
1) Your Guardian Angel – The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
2) Long Time Coming – Oliver James
3) Elephant Love Medley – Moulin Rouge! Soundtrack
4) Everytime (We Touch) – Cascada (either slow or fast)
5) As Long As You Love Me – Backstreet Boys
6) Your Song – Moulin Rouge! Soundtrack
7) I’ll Cover You – Rent Soundtrack
8) Here In Your Arms – Hellogoodbye
9) All I Want Is You – Juno Soundtrack
10) Hot – Avril Lavigne
p.s. I have more to add, but these are just 10.
First 10 un-Valentines Songs*:
1) I Don’t Love You – My Chemical Romance
2) Long Way To Happy – P!nk
3) Leave (Get Out) – JoJo
4) Sunday Bloody Sunday – U2
5) Honeymoons Over – State of Shock
6) Over You – Daughtry
7) Dance Floor Anthem – Good Charlotte
8) Smack That – Akon ft. Eminem
9) Before He Cheats – Carrie Underwood (I promise that is the only song I have of hers)
10) This is Halloween – Panic at The Disco
p.s. I wanted to add more, but this is just 10.
*In no particular order
** First 10, mean while my iPod is on shuffle.
I hope enjoyed all I had to say today. Happy Valentines to those of you who enjoy the day, and it’s so commercial and not worth it to the people who don’t enjoy the day.
p.s. If you want to add to either of my lists of songs or comment please do!
Love You! Moi!
30 cm of snow. Just 20 short of what my school board considers a snow day. Sucks. Now I have to walk all the way to school because I ran out of bus tickets and havn’t told my mother yet. I should just get a metro pass. I feel so happy lately. Like I have a little happy bubble and I get to be happy.
Okay so I read the book “Go Ask Alice” and I decided it’s one of the best ones out there. She makes drugs sound interesting and fun but also like it puts you in a dangerous and scary world. Honestly, it makes me wonder what all the fuss is about and what drugs are really like. But also scares me to the core because I know people who are addicts. I could never try drugs, but thats what I say now. I hope I keep saying it and won’t let myself be pressured into all that. Someone I know who shall remain nameless and I’m really good friends with was on drugs for a little while. Barely addicted and they stopped. They’ve been clean for a couple months nows and they only started in September. So they’ve been clean since November. That makes me happy. I don’t want them to become addicted and waste they’re life.
See I don’t have a huge problem with alcohol, if it’s only now and then and for a little fun. But drugs I DO NOT approve of.
So anyway. Went bowling for Special Wednesday. It was so fun! Then I met C after school and we went downtown to HMV, then to the movie theatre, then to Chapters. We went everywhere. It was fun and nice to hang out with him.
AH! I have to see Rent, it’s come back on stage again but with different people. Sad. Still, happy. Alrite, time to get ready for school which is in an hour. :)
LIVE HAPPY! Moi.
I am completely in love with my boyfriend, but I have this gut feeling that I don’t like. I feel odd. Like I have so much to figure out…
Love, Moi
