www.dreamsarefabric.wordpress.com
Everything is there, I just felt like changing the blogs URL. :) Enjoy.
[listening to: Not Ready to Make Nice -- Dixie Chicks]
I’ve never been one for regret. Until today. Now I’m just regretting so much. Why can’t life be simple? My stomach hurts, my head hurts, my heart hurts.
I just can’t win can I? I’m just not enough. For anyone.
I’m not a good enough girlfriend for A, I wasn’t for C. I’m just in such a depressed mood right now.
I couldn’t take it. I had to leave. He was with her. Acting the way we used to. It hurt to see. Fuck it hurt so much. It hurt more than if A dumped me. I still love C. LOVE HIM. More than as my best friend. Or maybe I’m just in shock from seeing him with someone else for the first time. But it was my friend. I told them it was okay. Did they really think it was? But I guess that’s logical. They want to believe it’s okay because they like each other and I couldn’t possibly care because I have a boyfriend. Yes I love A, but I don’t think I do as I did C. It’s only been 3 months… maybe this is just all going so fast. Maybe I should just hide myself away in a little cloak of homework, friends and being single. I don’t know. A wouldn’t understand. He’d be mad, hurt. It scares me to think of what he might so if he read this. I promise him too much. I can’t deliver. I’m not as all in as he is. He would do ANYTHING for me. I can’t promise him the same thing. I’m a terribly selfish person. Maybe I shouldn’t be with anyone. I don’t think now is a good time for me to be in a relationship. My emotions are screwed up and I’m on the verge of tears and A can’t say anything that makes me genuinely smile at this point but I know C could and that’s just not fair. Why?
This bloody sucks. Why can’t I just be happy with A? Why can’t I be happy to see C and E? Why can’t I just… not regret. I’ve never before. Maybe I’m just not good enough. Not perfect. Sub-par. I feel worthless.
No one wants to fight for me. Or maybe the person I want to fight for me has given up…
Feb 06.2010
Today I said goodbye to my best friend. It was painful, but being the person he is he understood. I miss him. But I am going to act normal. Carry on. I did this for A, for our relationship.
I wish A could have just accepted it. But it was too much to ask. No one really understood. Best friends with your ex? No, impossible. It wasn’t. But now it’s gone. So whatever. We carry on. I feel a little… I don’t know. It was harder than breaking up with him. Maybe he doesn’t feel the same way but he meant SO MUCH to me.
Feb.07.2010
Today I awoke to A :) he slept over :) Then he left around… noon.
It was cool. I don’t know… I’m still a little depressed about yesterday. The thing is I can’t stop thinking about it. I even found a way to sort of talk to him. Over MSN status’s. You know the part at the top of the screen that says “Share a quick message” ? Yeah we communicated through that. Sad… I miss him. But it’s what had to be done. I have to be a good girlfriend.
Ergh… I feel like I ate my weight in food the past couple days… I need to join a gym…
xo
http://www.youtube.com/s0cialbuttrfli
Yes, I’m promoting my friends youtube account.
So shoot me :P :D
Anyways.
Also while your there:
http://www.youtube.com/ShaneDawsonTV
Shane Dawson. He’s really funny and makes great videos so check him out.
Check them both out. Peace
Hey :)
Saw Post-Grad today :D It was a pretty good movie. :) I’ve decided to post what I wore today. Why?
Because
a) I thought I looked HOT!
b) I want to and I’m bored… maybe that should have been b) and c).
Whatev. Yes. I say whatev. Sometimes. Occasionally.
I’m bored. :P
So yeah… what I wore today:
An aqua V-Neck T-Shirt from Suzy Shier
A black Terry Fold Over 2 Pocket Pleated Skirt
A purple hand-band with a bow from Ardenes.
Estimated Cost of Outfit: $30-35
:)
Anyways. In other news.
Tomorrow I leave for VACATION!! well sorta. Staying within the province. :P
But we’re going to a resort on the beach :D
xoxo
Hey all!! :)
So I haven’t posted in a long while!
But I feel like I want to start again :P :)
So pretty much life is good :) C and I are still together. Still in love, going really strong :)
We decided when we’re done high school we’re gonna move to California for a year (aka take a year off Uni) and just work and live together. :) Be young and in love. :)
So yeah things are going really great, as you can tell. We’ve been talking about the future a lot more lately… naming a baby girl Alexis. NO I am not preggo. Alexis is our future baby girl :P.
Anyways I’m bored so…
THE COST OF LIVING IN CALIFORNIA:
2 people. both 18. both making say… $10/hr full time (40hrs) ( 22,400/year x 2 = 44,800/year) w/ $2000 saved up.
Apartment: $600 – $750 (depends on where in California)
Groceries: $150
Furnishings-
Mattress: $2000 w/ box spring $300-400 w/o
Pillows/Blankets: BYOP/B
Lamp: $40 x 2
Couch: Ship or $350
Coffee Table: $50-65
Dresser: $300
Cookware Set: $100-200
Dishes: $20-30
Book/CD Shelf: $200
Misc Kitchenware: $100
Misc: $100-200
Total: about $3000.
and I think I forgot somethings… :P
Oh well. We’ll survive.
<3
It’s kinda funny. I came down after having a shower to hear my mother on the phone with one of our family friends. Pretty much their both single mothers with 2 adopted girls. So they stick together and give each other advice.
So I was kinda eavesdropping while pretending to go about my business and ignoring them.
So the funny part… I heard my mother giving her advice that she doesn’t use her self. She was telling her that it was about her tone of voice (I’m guessing her daughter, my friend, who’s my age has done something and their in a fight again… probably to do with her boyfriend/ex). My mother is always using tones of voices with me and saying things not worded right that tick me off. Like I always sorta understand where she’s coming from but I have my side too.
Idk… you ever notice that parents give each other advice that they don’t use…??
God… My life feels like a manga…
Okay so as every one knows I have a boyfriend of almost two years and I love him very very much! And he loves me. :)
Now enter in his best friend… A. A likes my friend E. Whos a major flirt and a little desperate for a boyfriend. I’m not trying to be mean I love her and I think shes a great person but can be a little harsh and mean to boys even though she doesn’t exactly mean to be.
Well A asked me if E would go out with him and now that’s a whole big thing. E said she would go out with him and give him a chance. He has yet to ask her out. While helping E see the good things about A and helping A get E to go out with him I have done THE stupidest thing EVER!…
Possibly fallen for A.
OH SHIT!!!
It’s not that I don’t love C(boyfriend) because I really truly do but I don’t know where this is coming from. I’m so confused. I even went online to find some advice.
People are mean. They pretty much asked me why I liked A I have a boyfriend and truth is I don’t know!!!!!! I’m sooo confused!!
I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND!! i really truly honestly forever love love him!!
So then why do I have feelings for A? Who I’d like to mention is my friend as well and I see him more than C. Because A and I go to the same school as C.
I’ll explain more in the morning. Its late and I want to finish my outline for sociology project so I can talk to C before bed.
Thats a good sign right? :)
ps HELP!!!!!!!
That’s all the views I’ve gotten since I started this blog. I didn’t start it to get noticed or anything. Or to be read by anyone. I don’t really care. I just enjoy posting things here. Though whenever I read what I’ve posted I feel really juvenile… *sigh*.
God I’ve got sooo much work to do. I really shouldn’t be posting anything. I’ve got an essay to write on the question: What are the most signifigant lessons our world today can learn from the rise/fall of the group of people you are studying? in my case that group of people would be the Sumerians. sheesh. I have NO idea what to make my thesis. At all. I’m so tired of this project. Ergh. It’s worth a lot in History, a bit in English and even less in Science yet its still a fair amount and over three subjects. Grr.
Also I’ve got to think up a really specific social issue to do my final culminating project for ASP (anthro, pysch and soc) on. (the project is for sociology). As well as making a bibliography for the integrated Sumer project. And what else? English Media culminating project research too. OH! shit! I have to study for my science test and do my science lab report!! fuck. I’m screwed. Notice how my writing and composedness has broken apart as I type? *laughs*. I’m tired.
Had my first job interview on Friday. Gonna work at Leons. Fun. I guess it’ll do for my first job. I really want the job and for my first interview I thought I did really quite well. :)
Hm… Oh yeah! Athletic Banquet coming up. Already got my ticket. Yay free for athletes. I don’t know if being on the Tennis Team counts as being an athlete but still I get in free so yay! The venue looks really nice. All I need now is to find a dress and shoes. Black and white themed. Goody. Not too pleased about that. Though I did try on the sluttiest black dress in the world today. It was tight as all hell but stretchy fabric so I could breathe, strapless and barely covered my ass. Surprisingly it looked GOOD! on me. Made my legs look nice and long. :P
Anyways. Long post.
ps YAY! I turned 16 and got lots of presents when I invited A LOT of people to my party (couldn’t narrow down the list). :)
A Couple Days Later… (after the whole “What Do You Do When You’re A 16 Year Old Girl…”
May 23, 2009 in Angst, ARGH!, Betrayal, bitch, broken, broken heart, C, Drama, friends, Girl, girl friend, girlfriend, Hearts, Hugs and Kisses, hurt, i love him, Love, numb, Opinion, teenagers, Teens, Trust, uncertain | Tags: a, Angst, b, bad, betrayed, boy drama, boy troubles, boyfriend, boys, C, comment, crush, difficult, Drama, e, english, english media, f, friendship, girlfriend, hard, horrible, horseing around, hurt, mad, mistake, play fighting, playing around, shout out, small crush, soccer, teenage angst, uh oh, upset, worse, wrestling | Leave a comment
Hey, again.
So someone commented say that i’m only 16 and i should live my life. I agree I should be living my life (btw, thank you for your comment). But the problem is I can’t break up with C (my boyfriend) because I love him and can’t hurt him and what if breaking up with him is a HUGE mistake?
OH! and the situation worsens…
C knows. B thinks I should’ve flat out denied it when C asked.
Pretty much he said “You like A”. At first I was like “Ha ha ha.. NO!” and then He was said “Don’t lie.” and I felt really bad and realized maybe its better to get this in the open… maybe its not but I think I have to tell him. And I’m freaking out by this point but I say “It’s a tiny little crush and I love you and want to be with you so it doesn’t matter” and then it got ugly. I’m not gonna give you the entire conversation but he pretty much said figure out what you want and he’s REALLY hurt and betrayed that I have a small crush on his bestfriend since he was little. *feels horrible*. and it is really bad cuz we’re never gonna be able to talk the same way again and I’ve sorta messed up their friendship. (A doesn’t know about any of this)…
So we’re still together. It’s a little awkward right now and he’s gonna be mad at me until I no longer like A and I told him I’ll just make it go away but you can’t just banish your feelings and emotions like that. And it’s hard as I realized yesterday.
Since I’m helping A with this E thing he always wants to know whats happening and my input but always when no one else is around. I skipped half of english and the end half of english media to hang out and talk to A. BAD!!
Then afterschool we (meaning all my friends) we’re just hanging out, about to organize a game of soccer and A, E,G (also a girl) and I were “horsing around” and like A was trying to trip us and we were wrestling him and stuff when E’s old ex-boyfriend who still loves her but they’re just friends now F, comes over. And A and I are like wrestling and stuff just playing around and F’s like “boob punch her!” and A’s like “NO!” and I’m obviously like “NO!!!” Then a little while later F’s like to A “Why are you touching her and play fighting and stuff… she has a boyfriend!” at this point A practically snaps away from me like he was pulled by a super strong magnet and faces F and is like “You’re the one who told me to punch her in the boob!” F’s like “Yeah So? I’m not the one touching her! She has a boyfriend!” and A’s like “I’d never punch her in the boob!” And then people played soccer.
Anyways. Trying to give C some space and trying to make some space between A and I.
So, gotta go volunteer with B. :)
ttyl.